Chicken Bus!

Ah, the big yellow school bus. A staple of American childhood. Ever wonder where all of the old Blue Bird buses go when the states are done using them? Well, a large number of them have ended up in Guatemala as Chicken Buses. The name comes from the common occurrence of riders transporting live chickens on these buses. The buses are the most common form of public transportation here in Guatemala and a vast network of these buses allows you to get just about anywhere you want for a very cheap price. For example, a one hour and fifteen minute ride cost me less than $2 US.

How does a ride on the Chicken Bus (pronounced "cheekeen boose" by Guatemalans) differ from the ride I may have taken on the very same bus 20 years ago? Glad you asked! Here's my how-to-make-your-own-chicken-bus guide:

So you just bought yourself an old America schoolbus and you want to turn it into a badass chicken bus? Good on you! Here's how: First, take that old school bus and PIMP THAT RIDE! Start with a very bright new paintjob. Red dominates, but green, blue, white, and even the original yellow are also used liberally. You want your bus to have some personality to stand out from the competition. Paint some flames on there. Give your ride a cool name and paint it on the sides. How about a nice new chrome grill from a semi-truck on that Blue Bird? Claro que si! And put some siding on the bus that reframes the windows so that they are angled forward a bit. Because now your chicken bus looks fast even when that ride is standing still, yo! I'm sure that someone will put spinning hubcaps on one of these buses soon. It should be you!

Next, throw some luggage racks hanging from the ceiling and some railing all around the roof so you can put bags up there as well. Remember, you're going to have people traveling with all sorts of luggage as some are artisans traveling to sell their goods, people simply traveling to and from work with a backpack, tourists traveling with luggage, and even the namesakes of your bus bringing chickens with them.

Of course, if you want to be able to travel as fast as possible, you can't have the driver taking fare from people as they get on. You need to allow people to get in from the front and the back as fast as possible and then you'll have your passenger manager handle the rest. His job is to make sure you get as many people on the bus as possible and collect the proper fare from each. If luggage needs to go on the roof, he handles it. The guy is fast and can carry 50lbs. suitcases on his head as he climbs the ladder to put the suitcase on the roof.

That same guy will also ensure that you never have to turn away a single customer. These buses might have been designed to hold 4 kids across (2 kids per seat in each row), but that isn't the law! You need to get at least 6 full-grown adults in each row before you can acknowledge it as full. Sure, the last two people will only have one asscheek on the seat and the other hanging in midair, but they can lean against each other in the middle of the aisle so that they won't fall. Of course, then your passenger manager still needs to be able to squeeze between them all to go collect the fares after people get loaded in. If people can't get in the front, put them in from the back. Sure it was designed as an "Emergency" exit, but ensuring that your bus is full IS an emergency! There are rumors of some passenger managers having superhuman abilities, like being able to open the front door, climb up onto the roof, walk to the back of the bus and then reenter through the back door, all WHILE THE BUS IS DRIVING DOWN THE FREEWAY. These rumors are unconfirmed, but very interesting.

Your driver needs to be a machine. He must be able to drive for hours on end, navigating roads that vary from winding mountain highways to narrow cobblestone roads in colonial towns. He must spot the people on the side of the road who might want a ride. When they do, he must stop quickly to allow them to get on. It's best if he doesn't even wait until they are all on before he starts pulling away. The last couple passenger can jump on a moving bus. If they can't, he'll slow down a little bit... maybe.

Congrats, you are now ready to have a chicken bus in Guatemala. But I will not be riding it for any trip longer than 30 min. As of yet, I've had 2 such trips and they've been ridiculous. Seriously, on the most recent trip, I was sitting in the middle of a row (read: one butt-cheek on the seat and the other hanging in the aisle) that had 6 full-grown adults and two children. As if this wasn't enough, we then ran into another chicken bus that had broken down and proceeded to pick up at least 20 new passengers. No joke, a bus that was designed to hold around 40 kids was carrying around 80 adults and probably 10 kids. I think I'll pay the premium for a shuttle (newer bus or van with more room) from now on. But the chicken bus is definitely a fun experience to try out or for shorter trips that seem to be less crowded.